I am feeling really down. Pain has come back and I can't make amends with the one I hurt yesterday. I hate the enemy and his insideous ways. I was feeling so good and then WHAM! It was like dominoes falling . . . . If I don't do something to stop this line of thinking, I'll be so down in the dumps by morning that I won't even want to go to BSF.
The Psalmist David said, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me . . . Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." (Psalm 51:10, 12) Create is the Hebrew word barra which means "to create out of nothing." God will create a pure heart in me out of nothing that's within me. Everything within me is as filthy rags. God is pure, true, good, gentle, clean, perfect, and so the pureness that He places in me is really Himself. As believers, we have the Holy Spirit within us from the moment of salvation, but He is the perfect Gentleman, and He never pushes Himself onto me or overpowers me for control. I must allow Him freedom to act within my life. Looking back to yesterday, I should have surrendered myself to the Holy Spirit when I first heard the phone ring and saw who was on the other end. I should have made a conscious decision to, "be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."
David went on to say, "Renew a steadfast spirit within me." I so want a steadfast spirit versus an emotional life that's up and down like a roller coaster. Jesus is Who gives me stability. On my own, my emotions are worse than the Texas Giant.
The Apostle John told me that "greater is He who is within me, than he that is without." If I will surrender, the Lord Jesus Christ will give me the power to remain on an even keel. I don't want my children to remember me as a high-maintenance mother/grandmother who was jealous, spiteful, and hateful, given to moods. I want them to remember me as a godly woman; a [woman] after God's own heart.
I want God to restore the joy of His salvation, that same joy I felt on Saturday after God met with me in such a magnificent way. David went on to ask God to, "renew a willing spirit to sustain him." That's what I need God. I need a willing spirit. Willing to allow You to be in charge, willing to accept things that aren't to my liking, willing to allowing You to scrape the dross off that accumulates on my life. That willing spirit will sustain me or keep me going. Sustain me during times of temptation and trials.
Lord, would you please clamp Your hand over my mouth before I say derogatory things about another family member? Well, if a hand is not available, would you at least cause that still, small voice to speak in such a way that I will remember tonight and the angst I feel down deep inside because I was so wrong yesterday? And even though I get fighting mad when someone messes with my family, would you please help me not to assume another's offense, thereby making it my own?
David went on to say in Psalm 51:13, "Then will I teach transgressors Your ways . . . ." Only after David was restored to a right relationship with the Lord was he able to be used by God in Kingdom work. And the light bulb goes off in my head now: the reason I've been out of sorts is because I haven't been in close fellowship with the Lord today. Lord, I am so sorry because I offended You yesterday with my words. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Aw, Lord, the sweetness of fellowship with You. Lord, that loved one that won't return my call, is in Your hands. I will try to contact them again, and Lord, will you soften their heart? Will you help them to know my words were coming from a mother's heart?
Just like when You got in the boat with the disciples when they fought so hard against the wind, I need to remember that You don't always take the storm away, but You're always with me during the storm. You never promised me a life free from problems, whether that problem is cancer, family problems or anything else. But You are always with me in my problems. And You will climb in my boat anytime I invite You in.
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Judy, when I feel like you do right now, I just remember the serenity prayer. So often we get all worked up over something that we can't control and its just our ego thinking we can! Like you I guess, my mouth spits out things that I wish I hadn't or couldn't take back. All honest, well meaning things but taken the wrong way. Its funny how we perceive things and someoone else percevies it in a tottally different way. I can't imagine what you are going through but I know you are not a mean lady. Sometimes I forget my girls are grown and still play the mommy role and its not always appreciated. We always talk things out and Thank the Lord we are all at peace. Love you so much and hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
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